


Gripped Tight (semi-hiatus until October)

by FeaRauko



Series: From Perdition [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Mostly Canon Complient, Post-Canon, The Empty, You've been warned, dean finally gets his shit straight, first few chapters are pretty rough, seriously a lot of hurt before the comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 20:13:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17874083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeaRauko/pseuds/FeaRauko
Summary: Dean and Cas finally get their shit together just in time for The Empty to take Cas. Don't think for a second that TFW 2.0 is gonna let that slide. They've saved the world numerous times. They can save a friend. Dean killed Death himself.. If the Empty thinks it stands a chance...it has another thing coming.Castiel once gripped Dean tight to raise him from perdition...now, it's his turn.This was born from a tumblr rant that was supposed to just be a little drabble, but, like so many things, took over my brain and kept growing.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is my original tumblr post that got all this logged into my head. Shout out to all of you who cried at me and cussed me out for it, lol. This fic's for you.

 

# Whatever you do…don’t think about Dean finally accepting himself…

Don’t think about his talks with Sam as he works through, not only accepting his sexuality, but also maybe the idea that he could be happy. Don’t think about this letting him finally admit to himself exactly what he…no, who he wants…only for Cas to push him away.

Don’t think about how Dean wouldn’t understand. He wants Cas. And he can see in his eyes, in the way he moves around him, how much Cas wants him too. He sees the way Cas looks at him with such a mix of absolute adoration, love, and horrific pain. It kills Dean…and he thinks he gets it. He thinks he understands…but he doesn’t.

Because Dean…Mr. “I’m beyond saving” Dean, doesn’t-think-he-deserves-to-be-saved™️ Dean, thinks-he’s-nothing-but-a-blunt-instrument Dean…of course he’d think the worst.

He wants Cas. Cas wants him. But it’s not good enough.  _HE’S not good enough._ Ugh. When did he get so fucking stupid huh? This is Cas! Freakin angel of the Lord, immortal, warrior of heaven, savior of Earth, watched-the-birth-of-the-stars, existed before Dean and will continue after Dean, powerful, good, kind, beautiful, frikkin CAS! “Out of my league” would be the understatement of the cen-…millennium, no…eon. Sure, Cas may be mildly attracted to him, but how did Dean fool himself into thinking that that would be significant or that his tiny existence could mean something…that maybe they could be…that they could… Dean thinks he’s an idiot.

Don’t think about the way Dean would spiral downward. Don’t think about how he’d drink more and more, how he’d try to hook up but fail cause there was always something that reminded him of Cas, how he’d become more and more reckless while hunting.

Maybe this recklessness gets Dean hurt. Bad. Cas is almost too late. He finds Dean crumpled on the floor in a bloody mess. Cas runs to him and cradles him, but he’s so cold. Cas heals his injuries but Dean doesn’t wake instantly. He’ll wake up soon and he’ll be okay…physically. But Cas can see what’s been happening inside.

It destroys Cas to watch Dean’s downward spiral, to see Dean convincing himself that he doesn’t deserve anything good. His first ten years of knowing Dean were spent trying to convince Dean that he was worth something, that he was  _more_  than a sword, that he was worth  _saving_ , that he was worth  _fighting for_ , that he was worth  _rebelling for,_  that he was worth  _dying for…_

So don’t think about how Dean wakes up to Cas clutching him tightly, shaking, crying freely as he begins to pepper Dean’s face with wet, salty kisses. He starts at Dean’s forehead, his temple, his cheeks, he hovers over Dean’s mouth for a moment but kisses next to it instead. Cas starts telling Dean things in between the kisses.

“Dean.”

Kiss.

“You can’t-” kiss “-keep doing this.”

Kiss.

“You mean too much…” kiss, “to everyone…” kiss “to me.”

Kiss.

“You are perfect.”

Kiss.

“You are strong.”

Kiss.

“You are kind.”

Kiss.

“You amaze me.”

Kiss.

“I love you, Dean.”

Kiss.

“I love you so much. I -”

Dean’s had enough. His hand reaches for Cas’s face roughly redirects the next kiss, pulling Cas’s mouth to his own. Castiel freezes, but only for a moment before he’s crushing into Dean, seemingly unable to get close enough, unable to taste enough, like he’s trying to straight up breathe Dean in before he disappears.

Don’t think about how they stay up all night just soaking in each other’s presence with the walls finally down, smiling, talking, touching and lingering as much as they want, kissing, laughing, and holding each other until Dean finally falls asleep in Cas’s arms.

And in the morning, Cas is gone.

There are traces of some sort of black goo…

 

I warned you not to think of this, but if you choose to anyway...please continue.


	2. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up. Of course they can't get a single break.
> 
> WARNING: It's in the tags already but...Major Character Death

“Mmgh…” Dean didn’t want to be awake. Wait...maybe he did. He wasn’t alone. Ah. Cas. Dean’s not quite awake yet brain struggled to remember yesterday’s events. It all felt so much like a dream: a hunt gone bad, waking up to Cas kissing him and telling him how much he loved him, spending the rest of the day just...just being.

Nothing was really all that different, but everything had changed. They had spent the rest of the day hanging out in the bunker with Sam and Jack like normal, but now they held each other’s hands when they wanted to. They would catch each other’s eyes and stare like normal, but now whenever Dean’s stare wandered down to Cas’s lips, those lips would come meet his. Dean felt so...free, so relaxed, so god damn happy. They were them, but they were more them than they’d ever let themselves be before. There was no more looking away, no more holding back. Now, they could just...be.

Dean was curious what time it was, but he didn't want to move to look at the clock. He was exactly where he wanted to be, with his head on Cas's chest and his arm draped across his waist. Instead, he closed his eyes again and began tracing patterns along Cas's side. It was dark in the room, which meant that at some point after Dean had fallen asleep, Cas had turned the lamp off.  Dean was also noting now that Cas had apparently gotten up and come back with a blanket to cover Dean with and then made a point to reclaim his spot next to him...and stayed.

Cas had stayed. Yesterday wasn’t a dream. This was his new reality, and Dean couldn't help the smile that formed on his face as he buried it in Cas’s chest. Cas didn't have to stay. Surely, sitting here all night with Dean curled into him where he had fallen asleep during the movie would get boring at some point for an angel that doesn’t sleep. But Cas had stayed.

Dean took a deep breath, drawing in the smell that was so Cas, although something seemed slightly different about it this morning. He could feel Cas's arm along his back resting behind him. He felt needy for thinking it, but he wished that arm would wrap up around him a little tighter. He pulled himself in closer to Cas’s side, hoping that Cas would realize he was awake, get the message, and cuddle him back. He didn't. Dean sighed.

"Mornin', sunshine," Dean mumbled as he ran his hand up the cool skin of Cas's neck to cup his face.

Wait. Cool? That's not right...

Necks aren’t _cool._ And Cas was always so _warm._

Dean swallowed. It was fine. Everything was fine.

"Cas..."

No response.

"Cas."

No response.

Dean jumped up to his knees and took Cas's face in both hands. He was cold, he was limp, and Dean couldn't see a damn thing in this darkness. He reached over Cas towards the bedside table, fumbling in the darkness for the lamp that he knew was there. Found it.

 _No._ This was worse...much worse. Cas's eyes were open, but glazed. His jaw hung relaxed with his lips barely parted.

"No..." Dean's hands began to roam over Cas's face, his neck, his shoulders, and back up. "No, no, no, no, NO! This can't...I...DAMMIT!" He roughly pulled Cas to himself. "No! Dammit! Look at me! CAS!" Dean gripped Cas's limp form tight, clinging, crying, willing Cas to respond. “Wake up you son of a bitch.” His hand found it’s way to the back of Cas’s head and held it to his face. “Please…” He sobbed into Cas’s hair. This couldn't be happening. Couldn't they get one single god damn break? Hadn’t they earned that? Hadn't they earned anything at all by now? Hadn't _Cas_ earned the right to...to…Dean broke.

"Sammy," Dean croaked out between sobs. He worked to catch his breath. "Sammy!" Sam would help. "SAMMM!" Sam would know what to do.

 

***

 

“Sammy!” Sam jolted up from sleep. Dean?

“SAMMM!” Dean. Shit. Sam grabbed his gun and ran...out his door, down the hall, and burst into Dean’s room, gun raised against whatever threat had Dean sounding so scared, desparate. He wasn’t even close to prepared for what he saw.

There was Dean, kneeling on the bed clutching Cas to him, a lifeless Cas.

“Sam, I...he...I don’t…” 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” He knew it was a lie as soon as he said it. Sam lowered his gun and crossed the room to his brother. “Dean, what…”

“He’s just gone. Sam, I have no idea. He’s just...Sam, I…” Dean let out a sob and looked down as Cas, seemingly unsure what to do with the hand that wasn't supporting him. It cupped his face, brushed through his hair, gripped the back of Cas's neck. "Sam, I don't know what to...Sam, help me." Dean looked up at his brother helplessly. "Please...help."

“Dean, hey…” Sam bent over and reached his arms around the two of them. “Hey, I...I got you.” They stayed that way for a while, with Dean clutching Cas, sobbing into him, and Sam’s arms wrapped around Dean. He wanted so badly to say that it was okay. It wasn’t. This was Cas. They had lost him so many times, too many times, but this? This didn’t even make sense. What could cause an angel to just...die?

“Dean, what hap-”

“I don’t know, Sammy. I have no idea what’s happening, but I’m gonna get him back. I have to. I’ll beat down the doors of Heaven and Hell until I get some goddamn answers and they fucking give him back.”

Right. Of course. They would fix this. They had to. This was Cas, and they’d get him back. Sam gave his brother one last squeeze and stood back straight. He would hit the books, scour the internet. Somebody had to know something. There had to be some record, somewhere…

“Dean, we’ll figure this out. We’re gonna fix this.”

Dean choked out a sob. “Thank you, Sammy.”

Sam turned to find himself facing Jack, standing in the open doorway. Oh no...Jack. Now he had to tell Jack.

“Jack...Cas….he’s-”

“I know.” _What? He knows?_

Sam took a deep breath. “You know? Jack...do you...do you know something about this?”

Jack nodded. “I...have something I need to tell you guys.”


	3. The Winchester Way

 

Before:

Dean watched the couple across the diner. He couldn’t help but watch the way the two guys seemed to have their own gravity between them, as well as the way they stared at each other when either of them thought the other wasn’t looking...not that there wasn’t plenty of long mushy eye fucking too to go along with the stolen glances. Dean sighed. He felt like a sap for thinking it and so would probably never say it out loud, but they looked good together. And even further down on the list of things he would say out loud was that...it looked awfully familiar. Except that these two were obviously, openly, a couple, whereas he was just pining after an angel.

“Hey, earth to Dean…”

“Ah, yeah. Sorry, Sammy.”

Sam laughed and took another bite of salad. “It’s fine Dean. You uh,” Sam cut his eyes briefly to the opposite corner of the diner, “you seemed pretty deep in thought there. Wanna talk about it?”

“Hmm.” Dean dipped his head and picked at the label of his beer. “Sam, our lives...they aren’t really that conventional anyway right?”

“Ha...yeah, I’d say that’s an understatement.”

“Right. I mean, we grew up hunting monsters. We’ve hung out with demons. Our best friend is an angel.” He swallowed and huffed out a laugh. “I mean, we’ve met freakin God who, a. decided to write books about us, and also in his time here run a cat blog and date a few girls...and guys...before running off with his sister…”

“Okay? What’s this about, Dean?”

“It’s just...what if...I mean it really shouldn’t matter ya know?”

“You know you’re not giving me complete thoughts right?”

“Yeah I know. I just...if I wanted…” Dean scrubbed his hand over his face. “Never mind. Let’s get out of here. Cas is waiting.”

As he got up, he thought maybe he heard Sam chuckle, and then mumble, ”Yeah, I’m afraid he’s been waiting quite a while.”

 

After:

Dean briefly noted that Jack had entered the room, but he continued to stare down at the angel cradled in his arms, the last of his tears dripping down onto Cas's face. He wasn't crying anymore, a byproduct of having others present. It wasn’t an intentional thing. His body just...always seemed to not be able to cry when someone else was there, like it was always telling him that he had to be strong for them. It was frustrating. He wasn’t ready to be strong yet. He wiped at the blackness on Cas's lips. Dean clenched his jaw and brought his forehead down to Cas’s. 

This sucked.

Whatever words Sam and Jack were saying floated around him as an unintelligible background hum. He squeezed his eyes shut and held Cas's face. “You son of a bitch,” Dean whispered. “You're not supposed to be able to leave me like this, remember? You're...you’re the only one who couldn't. You said it. You told me that once. You said that everyone else I know, everyone I love, they could be long dead…except for you. You said I was stuck with you forever.” Dean’s hand moved it’s way to the back of Cas’s head, still holding him close, his thumb brushing over Cas’s ear. There was something...sticky. Dean sat up and opened his eyes, tilting his head to be able to see.

There was some sort of...black goo. Actually, now that Dean looked, it’s what was making Cas’s lips look black too. Dean glanced around him. There were actually traces of it on the bed too.  _ What the… _ Dean was just about to say something when Jack’s voice came into focus for him around two words…”deal” and ”Empty.”

His hand gripped the trenchcoat beneath it. “What???” Jack and Sam looked at him, wide-eyed, cautious. Jack spoke. 

“Dean...it was my fault. He did it for me. I’m sorry.”

“No. Wait. Back up.  _ What did he do? _ ” 

“Dean,” Sam’s eyes were a mix of compassion and warning, “don’t be mad at Jack. It’s not his fault.”

Dean grit his teeth. “Dammit, Sammy, I’m not. I didn’t say it was his fault. I didn’t  _ think _ it was his fault. But if he or you or anyone knows what’s going on here, then speak up ‘cause I need some goddamn answers!” Dean struggled not to yell. He wasn’t mad at them, but he  _ was _ mad...and desperate. And they  _ did _ need to hurry and share what they knew.

“Cas made a deal with the Empty to save me.” Dean looked at the kid. He looked...fuck, he looked heartbroken. Dean sighed and shook his head.

“Commere, kid.” He moved Cas out of his lap, then crossed the room to Jack and pulled him into a tight hug. 

“Dean, I...I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

“No. No it’s not.”

“It was back when I died and he came for me. The Empty tried to claim me. It said I belonged to it because of my angel side. Cas convinced it to let him take my place...said that he’d go willingly. I…”

Of course that’s what happened. Because of course, of course they couldn’t just have one single freaking win with no strings attached, could they? Someone always had to sacrifice, and Cas was always so eager for it to be him. Dean got it though. What was he supposed to do? Just let the Empty take jack? No. Cas had done exactly what he or Sam would have done...exactly what he  _ had _ done when he sold his soul to bring Sam back. Dean wanted to be mad. He was mad...but not at Cas and not at Jack. The universe just hated them. That wasn’t their fault.

Jack swallowed. “I wanted to tell you and Sam. He made me promise I wouldn’t. I...I’m sorry.”

“That sounds about right...stupid son of a bitch…” Dean tightened his arms around Jack and choked back a sob as Jack cried into his shoulder.  _ Shit.  _ The kid had known this was coming all this time...blaming himself for it. No one should have to carry that. He sighed. “Kid, stop apologizing for something that’s not your fault.”

Sam stepped in and placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Jack, Dean’s right. Cas being taken...it’s not your fault.” Sam looked at Dean. “And...Cas too. He, he did what any of us would do, what we  _ have _ done. Ha...sacrificing yourself is just kind of what we do.” Sam drew a shaky breath and set his jaw. “But you know what else we do? We come back. We  _ get _ each other back.” He gripped Dean’s shoulder. His eyes were serious. Dean huffed. 

“Yeah. Yeah we do. So let’s go figure out how to break into the Empty and drag his ass back home.” 


End file.
